It's one of articles in TeenVOGUE October issue. I found it about a week ago, but now I decided to repost it in my blog.
Eighteen-year-old Becca* seems to have it all: Gorgeous looks, athletic skills, smarts, more friends than she can handle, a sassy sense of humor, and--to top it off--a genuinely nice personality. Last year, though, when she started getting Bs on her English papers, Becca panicked. "If something in my life isn't perfect, I freak out," she explains, "I try to pretend that everything doesn't have to be exactly the way I want it, but if it can't be perfect, I won't give it any effort." Intimidated and anxious, she stopped trying in class. "I would turn in bad work just because I was afraid of failing."
Like a lot of girls today, Becca has a persistent belief that she has to be perfect 24-7. When she isn't, ruthless self-criticism kicks in. It's the curse of the good girl, the pressure many teens feel to hold themselves up to standards that are impossible to reach: to be friends with everyone, nice all the time, flawless at schoolwork, completely selfless, all while looking polished and pretty.
But how good is it to be "good"? A good girl may have tons of friends, but can also be a people pleaser, doing what others want to keep the peace in her friendships. She doesn't get angry, but she holds back what she really thinks. She has to do everything effortlessly right, so when she (inevitably) makes a mistake, she reacts poorly. "Teens today feel that they have to 'do more, better and faster,'" notes Courtney E. Martin, a blogger at feministing.com and author of Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters: How The Quest for Perfection is Harming Young Women (Berkley Trade). "They end up believing that worth is measured by appearance and achievement, rather than the deeper stuff of relationships, joy, and fulfillment." As a result, Martin says, teens push themselves too hard: "They sacrifice precious time and energy on the altar of so-called success, rather than seek the slow, hard-earned rewards of happiness and genuine health."
Not all girls feel the push to be good all the time--some only feel it in their social lives, where perfection is paramount, or at school or work, where they'll do anything to avoid conflict. For Julia, fifteen, constantly being nice to fellow students was overwhelming. She notes, "You have to be extremely sweet to everyone, no matter how you actually feel about them. Or else you're a bad girl. You're mean." Classmates police behavior, punishing violators with gossip and dirty looks. And due to the ubiquity of cell phones, it can seem like everyone's watching--bad behavior can easily be captured and texted to friends with a click of a button. As Melissa, seventeen, puts it, "If you're not nice, a chain reaction can occur. If one person, like the Queen Bee, doesn't like you, no one else will either." Determined to protect their image and put up a happy front, girls--like Julia and Melissa--don't develop the skills to tell people how they are really feeling, and emotions like anger, betrayal, or hurt can fester internally, causing self-destructive behavior.
When Becca's parents got divorced when she was sixteen, she was furious at her mother but afraid to show it. Instead, she stopped eating. Starving herself, recalls Becca, gave her a way to manage her anger without letting it out: "I tried to express myself by not eating. That was easier for me than confronting my mother." Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Stressed-Out Girls: Helping Them Thrive in the Age of Pressure (Penguin) has observed this troubling mind-body connection in many teens in her practice. "Some girls develop eating disorders, cut themselves, or become depressed when they think their family will reject or punish them if they have feelings of sadness or anger," she says. "They feel like it's bad of them to have these feelings--and that they're the problem in the family when they do." When girls don't develop the ability to regulate their feelings, their bodies often pay the price.
But, in addition to physical repercussions, holding back your true feelings can make even the closest relationships feel false and insecure. Melissa says, "You just don't say anything at all if it's not nice. I try not to say anything I'll regret and to think before I speak. I'm always aware of other people's feelings." Phrases like "just kidding" and "no offense" allow people to say something cruel (or simply honest) while maintaining a positive image. "If you start sentences with 'no offense, but...,' you can say whatever you want," Iris*, sixteen, says. "You can be totally mean and hurtful." As a result, many teens are never quite sure who they can trust or if someone is really joking. And like an unused muscle weakening over time, girls become less and less skilled at speaking their truth in relationships.
With the daunting combination of academic, social, and parental pressure, drinking becomes a dangerous outlet for many good girls. Like "just kidding" and "no offense," the phrase "I was so wasted" is often used to excuse less-than-perfect behavior. "There are girls who are like, 'Oh my God, I was so drunk last night, I hooked up with this guy and I didn't want to.' Everybody's like, 'Oh it didn't count, you were drinking,'" says Alexa, seventeen. Notes Becca, "If there's alcohol, then you don't have to worry about your actions being wrong or bad. You don't have regrets. You don't have to be perfect."
At eighteen, Sarah* is a recovering good girl. She spent most of middle and high school determined to be the best. "I was friendly to everybody. There wasn't a single person in the hallway that I didn't smile at," she remembers. "I always had to be on top." However, when her achievements didn't meet her standards, Sarah began cutting. "It was a way to release my anger," she explains. After nearly three years of self-harm, she decided she'd had enough. "I realized that I was like a mouse running in a wheel, always trying to get somewhere. I couldn't get anywhere even though I was working really hard. It was self-destructive." Sarah set out to achieve a new kind of goal: happiness. "I decided to try my hardest, do my best, and love what I'm doing and where I am." In breaking the curse of the good girl, Sarah became a real girl, someone who doesn't try to be something she's not, who stays connected to herself, listening to what she genuinely thinks, feels, and wants. Sarah says: "I accept that I may not get higher than a C in math, no matter how hard I try. And I may make people angry sometimes. But I've had the greatest year!"
*Name has been changed
Rachel Simmons' new book, The Curse of the Good Girl (Penguin Press), is available wherever books are sold.
My reply :
This is very me. I'm the girl who always get the BEST marks in school. Teachers and friends always compliment me about that. So, when I get a mark below my friend, it's like I'm failed. I would cry alone then. I hate my friend of being taken my grades. But now, after I spendin time alone and talk more to God, I feel comfort. I don't mind about marks that don't match my hope. Life is easier when you don't take it seriously. Good luck for you who's been struggling about this like me.
